Classic VF humor: The latest Mistress Satanica workouts

[Diavolobella]

I've been remiss in not posting any Mistress S workouts in a long time. So, in honor of the upcoming holidays and the long awaited summer, here are 2 new ones and a couple of oldies.


Mistress Satanica's Hippity Hoppity Hi Lo Highway to Hades workout. You'll hop, you'll hip, you'll hope to die when you do the latest chocolate bunny butt busting, behind bruising, cardio crippling workout from the Mistress. Find yourself on her patented Bunny Bloody Bunny Trail where you'll be hopping and hoping you survive as you are pursued by a rabid pack of bloodthirsty, Dwarf Dutch Bunnies. Leapin' Lapins! YOU are the carrot in this killer session of super hi impact, melts in your mouth, not in your hands cardio. A tisket, a tasket, you'll wind up in a casket. Includes Alfalfa A** pants for that extra push you need for maximum bunny speed.

Mistress Satanica's Shrieking Shamrocks Strength Workout. Toora Loora DIE, is the lilting tune you'll be humming when you experience the muscle pumping, March madness! Using the patented Leperous Leprechauns, you'll curl, squat and your nerves will be shot. They bite, they curse, you’ve never had it worse! Always after their Lucky Charms? You’ll NEED a lucky charm because when you finish this workout, you’ll be seeing stars and moons, you'll need a new heart and...uh..mmm, oh, okay something horrible will be done to you with clovers!! Trust me, we'll think of something! It’s strong enough for a man, but I like it toooo!!!!

And two from the archives:

Mistress Satanica "Super Salty Squat and Squeal" workout where you do deep squats over a brine pool full of nipping pirahnas and electric eels while balancing a thrashing shark on your shoulders. Comes complete with coconut shell sports bra

Mistress Satanica "Really Raw Regurgitation Workout" where concentrate on working your abs by power puking the steady diet of eel skins, clam clumps, sea cucumber innards and dessicated fish butts that washed up on the beach for you to eat. Comes with Super Saline Sports Drink in barnacle flavor.

Disclaimer: Mistress Satanica is a long running VF parody which I created. Therefore, the "aka Mistress Satanica" in my signature only indicates that I am the author of this parody and should not be construed to mean that I am a Satanist. And, yes, people REALLY DO email me and ask me that. It's a joke, folks!

[Dana114]

Originally posted by Joan Boadway
Therefore, the "aka Mistress Satanica" in my signature only indicates that I am the author of this parody and should not be construed to mean that I am a Satanist. [/SIZE][/COLOR]

whew! That saved me a private email and a few prayers! Thanks for clearing that up, Joan!

P.S. Loved the parody!

[Rainy L.]

All hail, Mistress Satanica! We thank you for bestowing your talents upon us. Forgive me for asking more of you, but I have some questions:

Does the Shrieking Shamrocks Strength Workout require the patented Irish Spring, or will the Mark Eden Breast Developer be sufficient?

During the Super Salty Squat And Squeal workout, would it be elpful while olding the shark to keep our weight in our eels?

Thank you, Oh Wise One.

[Diavolobella]

Young Rainy-ish Grasshopper, you have much to learn.

First, to truly experience the glory of the Shrieking Shamrocks, it is best to use the world famous Vacutex!!! Found only in the most sacred and mysterious texts of the Mistress (namely the back of old comic books!)

And yesssssss, by all meansssss, hold your weight in your Eels!! The SHRIEKING EELS that is!! mWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(My name is Inigo Montoya!! You killed my father. Prepare to die!!!) hahahahahahaha

[Rainy L.]

Death! Ha! We will not fight to the death, but to the pain!

I'm going to tell you something once and then whether you die or not is strictly up to you. What I'm going to tell you is this: drop your sword, and if you do, you will be tied up but not fatally, and will soon be free to go about your business. And if you choose to fight, well, then, we will not both leave alive.

[Renee D]

Very well, I accept!

Joan, I will see you on the field of Times that are not Good!

Bring it on, baby!

[Diavolobella]

Someone has beaten a giant here.

Stop it now, I mean it!!!
Anybody want a peanut?

[Renee D]

I don't think they exist! [THUD!]

[Rainy L.]

Not to the death, to the pain. The pain, which is a time that is not good, indeed.

I think pain is the most underrated emotion available to us. Pain has been with us always, and it always irritates me when people say 'as important as life and death' because the proper phrase, to my mind, should be, 'as important as pain and death.'

I leave you to your imagination, then. But I want you to know one thing, and I mean it: you are the strongest, the most brilliant and brave, the most altogether worthy creature it has ever been my privilege to meet, and I feel almost sad that I must destroy you.

(I hope somebody knows what I'm quoting here. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?)

[Rainy L.]

And now, I must leave you to retire to my bed. I'm sure that I can trust you and Joanie Balonie to carry on, My Little Buttercup.